In 2003, at age 57, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) after experiencing numbness in my face and tingling in my feet and hands. For about 12 years that diagnosis changed my life very little. I would experience tingling and numbness from time to time but very little else. I had what is called “remitting relapsing” MS. For about 2/3 of those with that diagnosis, that would be as far as the disease progresses. However, for about 1/3, the disease will become “secondary progressive” MS, the operative word being “progressive.” Having received an inordinate number of good “breaks” in my life, I missed a good “break” this time.
By 2014, I was walking with a cane which became 2 canes and then a walker. It is a humbling disease. It affects your bowels and bladder, your ability to sleep, your small muscle control and your mental health. In my case, the worst problem is loss of control of my legs. Simple things, like getting into bed are difficult because my legs don’t work. I need to use my hands to control my legs which are like deadweight. Walking without holding onto something is impossible as my balance is effectively gone. When I stand, my hamstrings and calves ache as if I had just completed a marathon. Steps and putting on long pants are Olympic events.
Even though I can’t move my legs, they move themselves with periodic and uncontrollable spasms, particularly at night when I am trying to sleep. My right leg is particularly recalcitrant as I can’t get my foot off the ground without an orthopedic assist and my right foot is always swollen and numb and either icy cold or fiery hot. And then there is “fatigue” which is constant. If you like to take naps, MS is the disease for you.
So many things that I liked to do (golf, recreational running, boating, sculling, etc.) were now off the table. My default position is now a reclining easy chair with legs up.
But just as you’re starting to feel sorry for yourself, you go to the neurologist’s office and see a 30 year old very upbeat young man who has the same problem and he has a long lifetime ahead.
The world record for the 100 meters is held by Usain Bolt at 9.83 seconds. My record for the 100 meters is 240 seconds. Given my mobility issues, that doesn’t seem so bad until you realize that the world record for a mile (1609 meters) is seventeen seconds less than my 100 meter “record.”
Many of you are probably now saying “Hey, I didn’t RSVP to a pity party.” Fair enough. But I recount this because it is the place from which I think about God.
While the then known world was worshiping multiple gods, the Jewish people gave the world the most significant idea about God in human history, to wit:
- God exists;
- There is only one God;
- There are no other gods;
- God is transcendent and above earthly things;
- God created the universe without help and;
- One’s job on earth is to follow God’s rules.
Christianity and Islam, which are both closely related to Judaism, also embrace the concept of one God and the admonition to follow God’s rules. The great Eastern religions do not recognize a God. Hinduism is not monotheistic, Buddhists are agnostic about a God and Confucianism recognizes no God.
So, what about this Jewish/Christian/Muslim God? For nonbelievers, God is a convenient myth invented by man to explain the origin of existence. For believers, God explains existence. Nonbelievers ask how a merciful God can create a world of such pain and suffering. Believers are thankful for a pathway to be reunited with God in an afterlife.
As to believers, some see the present world as a “vale of tears” to be endured on the way, in Saint Augustine’s words, to the City of God. That City is reached by mitzvahs, good works and a righteous life. Other believers – like my wife – believe that the present world is a gift from God even with all of its hurts and disappointments.
Believers or nonbelievers ‒ which group is right? Nonbelievers really can’t explain where everything came from (who or what ignited the Big Bang) and believers can’t explain where God came from. In short, no true or pat answer but only matters of unprovable belief or faith.
I am a “Cradle Catholic” as I was baptized at approximately one month of age without my express consent. I earned a Master’s Degree before I ever attended a non-Catholic school. So while I was effectively indoctrinated, that does not mean that I accept everything (why, for instance, cannot women be ordained as priests?). Still, I attend Mass on a regular basis and find serenity and peace in the familiar liturgy.
In our current secular society, religion is often deemed “passé.” The number of churchgoers is in decline not only in this country but throughout the West and the number of non-believers increases each year. But there remains a yearning throughout our secular societies for “meaning.” For thousands of years, that “meaning” was provided by organized religions.
In 1946, Vicktor Frankl, an Auschwitz survivor who lost his wife, mother and brother in the camps, wrote an extraordinarily influential book which was translated into English in 1959 with the title “Man’s Search For Meaning.” His work posited that the search for life’s meaning was the central motivational force for human beings. Frankl’s work was perhaps the most important contribution to the field of psychology in the 20th Century.
I don’t believe that it is accidental that all major religions have a concept of an afterlife. Indeed, I think that human beings intuitively know that “here” is not all there is. This intuition serves as the basis for religious thinking. I think it would be foolish to ignore the wisdom passed down by past generations.
That is not to say that “faith” comes easily. The commentator David Brooks recently said that ‒ with respect to “faith” ‒ it was good if one had “faith” on three out of every seven days. “Faith” requires a suspension of what we know and experience and the substitution of belief.
I think that Vicktor Frankl’s insight is correct and that man seeks “meaning” in his life’s journey. On one of my “faith” days, this is what I believe but obviously cannot prove.
Human beings have a “divine spark” and seek to be reunited with divinity in the world after death. The world we live in is a wonderful world and, although terribly imperfect, is a way station to a better world. There is a City of God but entrance is conditioned upon laudable behavior.
As a believer, there is one major problem. If God created the universe, why is there such suffering and cruelty? It is not enough to say that it is created by man because a great deal of it has nothing to do with man. Why, for instance, do innocent people suffer and die from starvation, typhoons, earthquakes, malaria and the like? Why would a merciful God allow this to happen?
If I ever get to the City of God, the one question I would ask is the one that the exasperated Desi Arnaz would always demand of Lucy in the old TV show “I Love Lucy.” Imitating his Cuban-American accent, the question would be: “God, you has a lot of ‘ess-plane-ing’ to do.”
The one question that I would never ask is “why me?” I think there are a lot of good answers to that question and I’m pretty sure one of them is “why not?”
This is the one I’ve been waiting for. Thanks for sharing. Glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor, Jay.
Jay, this one ought to be read widely and ought to be a guest essay in various national newspapers. You’ve done a lot of theological and philosophical heavy lifting. Maybe because I, too, am a cradle Catholic benefited by the visible faith (and concomitant happiness) of good examples among friends, family, and teachers, simple faith – that God exists – is no problem. The trick is what follows from that. In the Gospels, the person who makes me marvel is the Roman centurion who refused Jesus’ offer to visit the man’s sick servant because Jesus’ power did not require a visit and, on top of that, the man was not worthy of Jesus’ trouble. In my day, I imagine a military officer, a colonel with authority in Afghanistan, able to have the same faith in someone from among the Afghan population.
I guess we are all blessed in some ways and cursed in others. You are blessed with a good mind and keen perception. I enjoyed reading this piece, even though I’m not a believer in the afterlife. My own belief is that when we die, our atoms are returned to nature much like set type, once no longer needed to print a book, is returned to the lower and upper cases. Anyway, many thanks to my colleague Nancy Figel for sharing this blog post. I will check in with it again.
Well written Jay and appreciated. Frank about your suffering you open the door to empathy and compassion. You’re also exploring the borders of faith and experience in a time where opinion dominates the conversation. I open myself each morning to the mystery and the answer I receive is “glad you’re here.” I would say the same about you.
Margo(t): Good to hear from you. Until the last week you were the geographic outlier of my blog recipients, since Santa Fe is a long way off.
However, a new reader is in Australia !
Hope you and Puccini are well.
All the best. // Jay
Jay, my husband (Bill) and I read your latest blog and have several observations: 1) We are so sorry about your MS diagnosis and all that it entails; 2) You certainly exhibit a tremendous grace and courage in dealing with it; 3) MS has certainly not affected your ability to think, as you are extremely intelligent and communicate beautifully; 4) We share your beliefs, doubts and questions about life, afterlife, God and the world…you put into words what we would be unable to express. God bless you for keeping us all “thinking”.
Dear Jay,
Whatever God/Universe/ Mother Nature/etc has taken from you physically, you have more than made up intellectually/spiritually! I enjoyed your philosophical
questions as well as your open-minded answers. I love your humor. Sending much healing energy…just back from an alternative health facility myself and would be open to share if you’re interested.
Sandy Pomeroy
Hi Jay,
Hope this finds you and Laura enjoying the summer. Like all of your posts, they are insightful, enjoyable, funny, eloquent and meaningful. Our guess is that this blog was the most difficult to write in that it was your most personal blog. Your challenges have been many and you seem to have handled them courageously. As you know, we too are practicing Catholics and, Lord willing, we will all continue to enjoy life after death with our loved ones who have already passed. Thank you for reminding us.
Love to both of you,
Phil & Wanda
Hi Jay, It’s taken me a while to write a reply, but I want to say how moved I am by your bravery and acceptance of your fate. I also didn’t realize the extent of what you’re going through. There’s no way I could handle your situation. I’m so glad you have Laura May by your side. I’m also touched by the other replies you’ve received. As to the “searching for meaning in life”, it seems that many Americans, including many Christian “believers” believe more in so-called “freedom”, i.e. selfishness, for their meaning of life.
And our Catholic majority on the Supreme Court seems to rule for large corporations and against voting rights continuously. I guess I shouldn’t mix-up religion with good deeds!
Have you ever seen the Albert Brooks film: “Defending Your Life?” Check it out. It’s right up your alley when it comes to the after life. Hang in there Jay. We need you!
Hey Morty, are you referring to Catholic Justices who just turned down 3rd Republican attempt to undo Obamacare ?
Like the late Senator Sam J. Ervin, “I was born a Democrat and a Presbyterian, and I have never seen any reason to change either affiliation,” although in my case, claim to the latter affiliation is hardly colorable these days. To paraphrase Robert Bolt’s Sir Thomas More in A Man for All Seasons, these days, “I believe the Lord made plants for their simplicity, animals for their innocence, but man He made to serve Him wittily, in the tangles of his mind.”
Jay,
The previous comments say everything and there is little I can add to top the majesty of that which has already been stated.
When I read your written word, I feel like I am sitting with you and having a conversation, with me just mostly listening due to the highly cerebral nature of the subject matter but nonetheless…. Please keep up the writing and I will keep listening.
No, Jay, I was referring to the 5 Catholic justices that let the Texas abortion law stand! :>)
Morty: Let’s wait until case is heard on merits not on narrow procedural grounds on which it was correctly, not politically, decided.
Well, I think that you’re probably right that when they finally decide the case, even those 5 will find it unconstitutional. But even John Roberts didn’t agree that the 5 decided “correctly”not to stop it in the meantime which is causing confusion and hardship for many women, especially poor women in Texas.
Let’s also see what happens with the Mississippi case…
But, more importantly, have you seen “Defending Your Life?!?”
Jeff, after reading this post, please know your name has been written in my prayer journal. Our God [your God too!] is an awesome God and you are his beloved child. Whether you recognize it or not, you were chosen to be here, and HE will call you home – to be back with him. Jeff Garrett, there is much of life to be lived. And you are being prayed for!
Ann B.
Jay, I do not know you but have stumbled upon this blog and think you are a bright, holy evangelist who is learning to live with a sense of humor lousy diagnosis, [I know LOTS of people who have no “diagnosis” but are so self-absorbed they have no humor and no hope]; a man who understands that there can be no resurrection without a crucifixion, and if the Son of God suffered and rose, then in the ‘attitude of all for one and one for all’, why should we be any different? Since I have family members living in Carroll County and we make our way to Maryland as often as possible, it would be nice to meet you face to face and say “Well Done brother, well done.” Let us pray for each other.