Art Linkletter, who died in 2010, popularized the television talk show known as “Kids Say The Darndest Things.”  One of his favorites was when he asked a young boy what his mother did.  The reply:  “She does a little housework but then spends most of the day reading the racing form.”

For 41 years, I lobbied in the Maryland General Assembly and I think it’s safe to say that it’s not only kids who say and do the darndest things.  For those unfamiliar with the activities of state legislatures, let this be a short primer.  Most state legislatures meet during the winter months and Maryland is no exception.  Its Session starts on the second Wednesday of January and ends 90 consecutive calendar days thereafter which means that it sometimes ends near Easter (Easter can occur anywhere from March 22 until April 25 and, for those interested about the timing of Easter, it is explained at the end of this post).

In the years I lobbied, anywhere from 2500 to 3500 individual items of legislation were filed each year.  On most days there were committee hearings to consider the bills and the hearings would normally start at 1:00 PM and could last until midnight, although that was atypical.  For almost every bill there were proponents and opponents who would appear to testify.  From a people watching point of view, there is nothing like the legislature as hundreds of people, even thousands, appear on any particular day to hold rallies, press conferences and the like.  It really is better than the circus and just as entertaining.

I think it is fair to say that there was more entertainment in my “early” years as the legislature had far more colorful characters than now.  The present crew tends to be deadly serious, convinced of its own importance and really not much fun.  Gratefully, there are notable exceptions.  But most everything recounted here occurred during the 1980s.

The Arrest of The Easter Bunny

One year the General Assembly Session was ending near Easter, and a Delegate convinced a man dressed up as the Easter Bunny to join a session of the House of Delegates and distribute candy to the 141 members.  The Delegate had discovered the Easter Bunny on a nearby street as he had been hired by a local business to encourage pedestrians to step inside the store.

The Easter Bunny proceeded to enter the chamber but without the knowledge of the House Speaker who was infuriated by the prank.  He banged the gavel repeatedly and demanded that the state troopers arrest the Easter Bunny who was then arrested and would plead that he was only doing what a duly elected representative asked him to do.

The Case of the Missing Bill

In the late 1970s through the 1980s, there was a very successful lobbyist for the service station dealers of Maryland.  His name was Vic Rasheed.  Australian by birth, he was so successful in Maryland that he was selected for the national job in Washington DC.

At that time, the national oil companies were the enemies of many which made Rasheed’s job all the easier.  He had commanding majorities in each committee which considered his bills although he had a few enemies as well.  There can be a certain arrogance when delivered with an Australian accent and, in Rasheed, it was on full display.  Rasheed seemed to believe that his success was all about him without acknowledging that he was just riding a wave.

Sometime in the early 1980s, Rasheed was in the process of passing yet another bill.  The last day is called “Sine Die” and consists of round-the-clock voting on hundreds of bills.  Any bill which does not receive a final vote by midnight on “Sine Die” does not take effect.

Rasheed’s bill had received a technical amendment in the House of Delegates at approximately 8:00 PM on “Sine Die.”  The Senate was waiting for a perfunctory approval vote on the amendment but then the bill “got lost.”  An anti-Rasheed Delegate had approached the House desk officer who was in charge of sending the bill to the Senate and asked if he could assist as he was on his way to the Senate anyway.  The desk officer agreed and the Delegate then proceeded toward the Senate but stopped and sat down in an office in the hallway between the House and Senate chambers.  Underneath him was Rasheed’s bill.

The parliamentary rule is that the bill must be physically in the chamber before it could be voted on and Rasheed’s bill was not in the Senate chamber.  This did not occur to either the Senate sponsor of the bill or Rasheed until approximately 10:00 PM as the delay was ascribed to the normal pandemonium of “Sine Die” when hundreds of bills are struggling to survive by midnight.

By 10:00 PM, both the Senate sponsor of the bill and Rasheed were pacing the hallway between the House of Delegates and the Senate trying to find the bill.  The House Clerk could only tell them that her record showed that the bill passed and had been dispatched to the Senate.  After midnight at some point, Rasheed spied his legislative opponent sitting in the office off the hallway.  An infuriated Rasheed screamed at the Delegate:  “Smith, who are you screwing in the clerk’s office.”  Smith – with a Cheshire cat grin ‒ stood up, held the bill up to Rasheed’s face and said: “Only you Rasheed, only you!”

Bills to Protect Minorities

Today, there are any number of bills to protect members of discrete and insular minorities ranging from people of color to LBGTQ individuals.

In the 1980s, certain idiosyncratic groups and individuals were more typically targeted.

Randy Newman sang a top 10 song called “Short People” which infuriated a height challenged delegate from Baltimore who filed a bill making the playing of that song illegal in Maryland.

And then there was the bill declaring that Clayton Moore was the “true” Lone Ranger.  This was after Moore had been replaced in the popular television show.

Both bills received national press.  In spite of the notoriety – including a conference call appearance by Clayton Moore for the benefit of the press ‒ neither bill was successful.

The Pinkertons

One of the funniest things to ever happen occurred during a hearing before the Senate Budget and Taxation Committee.  On this particular day, the Maryland National Guard was defending the appropriation made to it in the Governor’s budget.  Representing the Guard was the commanding general and a number of bird colonels, all outfitted in resplendent military uniforms.  The Maryland National Guard personnel were not accustomed to legislative hearings but they had a staunch ally in one senator who also served in the Guard and was a member of the Budget Committee.

This was a time when there was talk of “privatizing” State functions.  During this particular hearing, a young senator from Montgomery County asked the general what exactly did the Guard do and was it possible to privatize its functions so that, for instance, a group like the “Pinkertons” could replace the Guard.  The senator’s question left the general dumbfounded.  

When the hearing was over, the general and the bird colonels repaired to the anteroom to confer with their senatorial ally.  To say that the general was apoplectic is a tremendous understatement.  “Raymond, who is that boy? How could he ask a question like that?”  The senator replied: “General we’ll get him in line so don’t worry about it.”  The general was unimpressed:  “Raymond, that boy is a fool.  How can such a person ever be properly schooled?”

Well this exchange was ongoing.  One of the bird colonels kept trying to get the general’s attention.  The general was having none of it and kept gesturing to the colonel to mind his own business.  But the bird colonel was not to be dissuaded.

Finally, the general said “What do you want?”  The colonel, seeing his opening, then told the general and the senator what he thought was the most convincing argument:  “General and Senator, one thing that was never mentioned is that them Pinkertons don’t have no fucking tanks!”

Apparently, the colonel’s argument may have been successful as the Committee voted to approve the Guard’s budget.

Easter falls on the first Sunday subsequent to the first full moon after the vernal or spring equinox (always March 21^st).  If the full moon after the equinox falls on a Sunday, Easter follows a week later.  This rule was established in the 8^th Century as church fathers wanted to assure that Easter fell on a Sunday.